Avocados- No idea how many you need – depends on the size. I think at least 3
1 white onion
3-4 cloves garlic
1 biggish tomato
1 lime if it’s not too dry, otherwise 2
Decent fistful of coriander
2 green chillies
Salt
The art is in the sourcing not the preparation. The avocadoes are trickiest and supermarkets are out of the question - they only buy rock hard unripe fruit that will survive shipping. They will eventually ripen but here’s the thing. I usually can’t decide what I want for lunch today. How am I supposed to guess that I will fancy Guacamole on Thursday? Saying that, I almost always fancy Guacamole – I just can’t always be bothered making it. You’ll need to find what, unfortunately is still called an ethnic grocer. Challenge not over yet. You’ve found a big box of avocadoes but are they ripe? The only way to know is by gently pressing the stem end which should give easily. But if I owned the said ethnic store, would I want customers irreverently groping the fruit? So you need to develop a surreptitious style. Try “admiring” each avocado and sneaking in a slight squeeze. You need three so buy five. Two of them are bound not to be quite as giving as you found them in the shop. Here’s the good bit. It’s almost guaranteed you can buy all the other ingredients in the same shop (this isn’t going to be a specifically Mexican shop by the way). This will make you the shopkeeper’s new favourite customer! It should also be your new favourite shop when you compare with supermarket prices and look how much coriander you now have! Do me a favour – try some in your next cheese sandwich with some hot mango pickle. Nyom!
So you have got your ingredients home. Time to start! Normally I’d suggest music but Mexican Mariachi music is going to take you to a very kitsch place. So this is time for Radio 4. The programme doesn’t matter – it will be good.
I’ve seen people attack an avocado with a vegetable peeler. No! Cut in half, feeling the knife around the stone and separate the halves. Prise the stone out with your knife. Don’t chuck it away – try and grow an avocado plant. I’ve never managed this though tried dozens of times. Someone tell me it works! Use a tablespoon to sort of scoop each half out of its skin. If it’s really hard to do this, it isn’t ripe so chuck it. Roughly chop with a knife and chuck in a bowl. It will want to go brown immediately so add the lime juice. Roll the lime around on the work surface pressing hard with the heel of your hand – this will release more juice. Sprinkle on the avocado and toss to cover. I’ve heard that if you leave the stone in the bowl it won’t brown but you need the lime anyway so I haven’t tried it.
The rest is kind of easy. Finely chop everything else and add it to the bowl. Lightly mash it with a fork. This does not want to go anywhere near a blender unless you want people to think you bought it ready made from Asda. By the way – when I said chop everything else I wasn’t thinking chop the salt. Taste and adjust for any ingredient that isn’t singing out. It’s usually the chilli, lime or coriander.
Serve in a bowl – this isn’t pretty or smooth so compensate with a nice bowl if you can. Whatever you do don’t serve with Doritos or other tortilla chips that are flavoured with anything other than salt. The words ‘hot’ or ‘cool’ should be warnings. If it’s a brand you’ve never heard of and doesn’t promise to taste of anything it’s probably what you’re looking for.
This is surprisingly filling so be greedy with how much you load on each chip as you’ll give up sooner than you think. While you’re eating you should discuss the interesting things you learned on Radio 4 – you’ll come across as intelligent as well as a good cook. If you’re feeding him the tortilla chips, an overloaded chip is more likely to drop guacamole on his chest. What you do about this is up to you. Bare chest is easy to deal with, his new Super Dry shirt less so, Herein lies the lesson.
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