East India Chutney & Posh Pear and Walnut Chutney

The more I think about it, it wouldn’t be fair to leave you a Boxing Day pickle without a chutney. Something sweet and spicy is definitely essential - a bit of sweetness and heat livens up cold meat no end. Assume the boy in your life is with his family at Christmas, so give him a jar to take home and get credit with his parents. It might pay off by Easter if you keep the campaign going. He will be oblivious to all of this and really, you’re on your own.  As well as spicing up his Christmas, this is a very useful weapon in the battle for parental hearts and minds.

 1 ½ kg tomatoes (about 8)

450g white onions (3)

300g brown sugar

375ml malt vinegar

1 tbs mustard powder

1 tbs curry powder

Cayenne Pepper – this is the tricky bit

2 tsp salt 

Chop the onions and tomatoes and combine with the other ingredients in the biggest pan you have. Diameter is more important than depth as we’re going for fast evaporation. The major decision is the cayenne pepper. I think a generous measure is needed and would probably substitute chilli flakes – a good tablespoon or so. A decent amount of heat would be good and don’t forget it will calm down in the maturing. A bit of a flush to his cheeks will only serve to remind him of you anyway. 

Simmer for an hour or two until thickened and jar it up. To know a chutney is ready, draw a wooden spoon across the bottom of the pan. If you can see the metal bottom clearly for a few seconds you're done.
There are endless variations: Apple and ginger would be very welcome – but don’t sacrifice the chilli. Let this one bite back while you’re watching Christmas re-runs of Twilight, and secretly counting the days when you’ll be together again. Make as well as, not instead of the fennel and orange pickle. Turkey sandwich is boring. Turkey sandwich with East Indian spiced tomato chutney needn’t be!

If he’s posh make this version. Warning signs: He’s called Rupert or Sebastian, he lives in Holland Park and he calls his mother, Mummy. His home has a name which, when Googled, appears to be a national treasure.  Even if he only has some of these symptoms this will endear you to his parents.

1.6kg pears (9?)

400g apples (2 large?)

125 ml white vinegar

180 ml lemon juice

200g brown sugar

170g chopped raisins

160g seeded chopped dates

120g coarsely chopped walnuts

 You should have the general idea by now. Chop. Combine. Boil. Simmer for one to two hours. Jar up whilst hot.

So whether he’s hot or posh (preferably both) you will have a jar of something to please his mother and persuade her that you’re capable of looking after her son. She will love you, he already does.