Dave's Caramelised Onion Chutney

Okay I know I’ve posted two chutney recipes already but this was a genuine request and you really can’t have too many jars for ringing the changes. I have several jars of different hues, but due to my failure to label them, I have no idea what they are! This is great with cheese. The recipe is sometimes referred to as Onion Marmelade - I think if you call it this you should prounce it 'Marmelaahd' rather then Marmelayed so it sounds all French and majestic! Your call....

5 tbsp Olive Oil

1.5 kg red onions sliced

100g dark Muscovado sugar

Small handful chopped fresh thyme

2 cloves Garlic, chopped

200 ml Balsamic vinegar (use  a cheap one)

Juice of 1 lemon

2 tbsp grated orange rind

1 chilli finely chopped

A splash of port

Since we’ve practiced making chutney, this time I thought you could supervise your young man making it. Put him in an apron because he’ll look so uncomfortable and cute in it.

Heat the oil and add the onions. You might need to do this in batches – if the pan is too crowded they will just steam. When they start to soften add 2 tbsp of the sugar which will speed up the caramelising bit. Note that you’re telling him to do all this stuff, not doing it yourself.

Add everything else and bring up to the boil. Tell him to concentrate on this while you concentrate on him. Try to take note of every mole on his face and neck, and the way his hair goes slightly coarser just behind his ears (I think this is one of the most beguiling things about boys). Take in the exact shape of his ears too. That's the other great thing about boys - every one is completely different, and there are literally millions of them out there to admire. But for now, stick to admiring this one.

Reduce the heat and let it blip – he’s not likely to get splashed now so let him take off the apron. He’ll be grateful. Let him go and watch the football and finish this off yourself. He’ll still think he made it.

When it gets thick and syrupy, jar it up. Another little splish of port towards the end would bring good luck, I’m sure! If you haven’t got a really wide jam funnel, do get one. Not only do they help you get the chutney in the jar but they do demonstrate a certain level of commitment to the cause.

Whenever you serve this, try to look proud of him.