Dave's Caramelised Onion Chutney

Okay I know I’ve posted two chutney recipes already but this was a genuine request and you really can’t have too many jars for ringing the changes. I have several jars of different hues, but due to my failure to label them, I have no idea what they are! This is great with cheese. The recipe is sometimes referred to as Onion Marmelade - I think if you call it this you should prounce it 'Marmelaahd' rather then Marmelayed so it sounds all French and majestic! Your call....

5 tbsp Olive Oil

1.5 kg red onions sliced

100g dark Muscovado sugar

Small handful chopped fresh thyme

2 cloves Garlic, chopped

200 ml Balsamic vinegar (use  a cheap one)

Juice of 1 lemon

2 tbsp grated orange rind

1 chilli finely chopped

A splash of port

Since we’ve practiced making chutney, this time I thought you could supervise your young man making it. Put him in an apron because he’ll look so uncomfortable and cute in it.

Heat the oil and add the onions. You might need to do this in batches – if the pan is too crowded they will just steam. When they start to soften add 2 tbsp of the sugar which will speed up the caramelising bit. Note that you’re telling him to do all this stuff, not doing it yourself.

Add everything else and bring up to the boil. Tell him to concentrate on this while you concentrate on him. Try to take note of every mole on his face and neck, and the way his hair goes slightly coarser just behind his ears (I think this is one of the most beguiling things about boys). Take in the exact shape of his ears too. That's the other great thing about boys - every one is completely different, and there are literally millions of them out there to admire. But for now, stick to admiring this one.

Reduce the heat and let it blip – he’s not likely to get splashed now so let him take off the apron. He’ll be grateful. Let him go and watch the football and finish this off yourself. He’ll still think he made it.

When it gets thick and syrupy, jar it up. Another little splish of port towards the end would bring good luck, I’m sure! If you haven’t got a really wide jam funnel, do get one. Not only do they help you get the chutney in the jar but they do demonstrate a certain level of commitment to the cause.

Whenever you serve this, try to look proud of him.

Guacamole (Holy Moley!)

When I look at Mexican cookbooks, the first thing I do is look up the recipe for Guacamole and then check the list of ingredients. It needs to contain all of the following. If any one of these is missing – except perhaps the salt, tut knowingly and put the book back on the shelf.

Avocados- No idea how many you need – depends on the size. I think at least 3

1 white onion

3-4 cloves garlic

1 biggish tomato

1 lime if it’s not too dry, otherwise 2

Decent fistful of coriander

2 green chillies

Salt 

The art is in  the sourcing not the preparation. The avocadoes are trickiest and supermarkets are out of the question - they only buy rock hard unripe fruit that will survive shipping. They will eventually ripen but here’s the thing. I usually can’t decide what I want for lunch today. How am I supposed to guess that I will fancy Guacamole on Thursday? Saying that, I almost always fancy Guacamole – I just can’t always be bothered making it. You’ll need to find what, unfortunately is still called an ethnic grocer. Challenge not over yet. You’ve found a big box of avocadoes but are they ripe? The only way to know is by gently pressing the stem end which should give easily. But if I owned the said ethnic store, would I want customers irreverently groping the fruit? So you need to develop a surreptitious style. Try “admiring” each avocado and sneaking in a slight squeeze. You need three so buy five. Two of them are bound not to be quite as giving as you found them in the shop. Here’s the good bit. It’s almost guaranteed you can buy all the other ingredients in the same shop (this isn’t going to be a specifically Mexican shop by the way). This will make you the shopkeeper’s new favourite customer! It should also be your new favourite shop when you compare with supermarket prices and look how much coriander you now have!  Do me a favour – try some in your next cheese sandwich with some hot mango pickle. Nyom! 

So you have got your ingredients home. Time to start! Normally I’d suggest music but Mexican Mariachi music is going to take you to a very kitsch place. So this is time for Radio 4. The programme doesn’t matter – it will be good.

I’ve seen people attack an avocado with a vegetable peeler. No! Cut in half, feeling the knife around the stone and separate the halves. Prise the stone out with your knife. Don’t chuck it away – try and grow an avocado plant. I’ve never managed this though tried dozens of times. Someone tell me it works! Use a tablespoon to sort of scoop each half out of its skin. If it’s really hard to do this, it isn’t ripe so chuck it. Roughly chop with a knife and chuck in a bowl. It will want to go brown immediately so add the lime juice. Roll the lime around on the work surface pressing hard with the heel of your hand – this will release more juice. Sprinkle on the avocado and toss to cover. I’ve heard that if you leave the stone in the bowl it won’t brown but you need the lime anyway so I haven’t tried it. 

The rest is kind of easy. Finely chop everything else and add it to the bowl. Lightly mash it with a fork. This does not want to go anywhere near a blender unless you want people to think you bought it ready made from Asda. By the way – when I said chop everything else I wasn’t thinking chop the salt. Taste and adjust for any ingredient that isn’t singing out. It’s usually the chilli, lime or coriander. 

Serve in a bowl – this isn’t pretty or smooth so compensate with a nice bowl if you can. Whatever you do don’t serve with Doritos or other tortilla chips that are flavoured with anything other than salt. The words ‘hot’ or ‘cool’ should be warnings. If it’s a brand you’ve never heard of and doesn’t promise to taste of anything it’s probably what you’re looking for. 

This is surprisingly filling so be greedy with how much you load on each chip as you’ll give up sooner than you think. While you’re eating you should discuss the interesting things you learned on Radio 4 – you’ll come across as intelligent as well as a good cook. If you’re feeding him the tortilla chips, an overloaded chip is more likely to drop guacamole on his chest. What you do about this is up to you. Bare chest is easy to deal with, his new Super Dry shirt less so, Herein lies the lesson.

Bruschetta for all kinds of guys

BRUSCHETTA AL POMODORO

The classic way. This recipe is for guys you know where you stand with. If you call him by a shortening of his name (Chris, Dave, Matt etc) this is probably the version for you.  My friend John often misses out the H in his name – so, Jon – this would suit him. You get the idea.  Incidentally it is pronounced broo-sketta not broo-shetta. Just wanted to get that off my chest! 

4 slices rustic bread

2 halved cloves garlic

3-4 ripe tomatoes

Good extra virgin olive oil

Lightly toast the bread. You could if so inclined, toast it in a griddle pan, which will give you lovely stripes, but will fill the kitchen with smoke and take forever. Use the toaster.

While still hot, rub the toast with the garlic halves. Dice the tomato and arrange on the toast. Season with salt & pepper and drizzle generously with olive oil. Nobody ever seems to know whether to pick these up with their hands or attempt to use a knife and fork so my suggestion is not to provide cutlery so there will be no confusion.

GOATS CHEESE & GRAPE BRUSCHETTA

I picked this recipe up in San Francisco so if he’s called Ethan or Troy, or has a name that reminds you of an Italian painter (or a teenage mutant ninja turtle) try this one:

1 log goats cheese

2 cups seedless grapes

1 cup sliced red onion

1 tbsp each of olive oil and Balsamic vinegar

Toasted rustic bread as above 

Put the oil, onion and grapes in a small baking dish and roast in a hot oven for 40 mins or so until the grapes collapse. A prod with a wooden spoon from time to time will help it on its way. Stir in the Balsamic and season.

Place a piece of goats cheese on each piece of toast and spoon the grape mixture on top. Best served warm rather than hot.

PRAWN & BEAN BRUSCHETTA

Old English names here that are always said in full – Alexander or Samuel for example, or any name that is French. This is his bruschetta: 

4 slices of bread toasted (again)

½ a 400g tin of cannellini beans
3 tbsp chilli infused oil
200g raw king prawns
1 tbsp lemon juice
1 clove garlic, crushed
2 tbsp flat leaf parsley, finely chopped

Drain the beans but reserve 2 or 3 tbsp of the juice.

Heat 1 tbsp of the oil and cook the prawns until pink. Remove and keep warm. Add the beans and liquid to the pan and break them up with a fork  or potato masher (you’re looking for lumpy, not a puree, mind). Add another spoonful of the oil, the lemon juice, parsley and salt and pepper and give it a stir, warming through.

Drizzle the last of the oil on the toast and add the bean mix, topping with the prawns. Garnish with the rest of the parsley.

Whichever version you make, have plenty of napkins handy. Bruschetta often jettison their toppings. If you keep charge of the napkins you can dab his face in a proprietory fashion while he looks at you with those naughty puppy eyes.

East India Chutney & Posh Pear and Walnut Chutney

The more I think about it, it wouldn’t be fair to leave you a Boxing Day pickle without a chutney. Something sweet and spicy is definitely essential - a bit of sweetness and heat livens up cold meat no end. Assume the boy in your life is with his family at Christmas, so give him a jar to take home and get credit with his parents. It might pay off by Easter if you keep the campaign going. He will be oblivious to all of this and really, you’re on your own.  As well as spicing up his Christmas, this is a very useful weapon in the battle for parental hearts and minds.

 1 ½ kg tomatoes (about 8)

450g white onions (3)

300g brown sugar

375ml malt vinegar

1 tbs mustard powder

1 tbs curry powder

Cayenne Pepper – this is the tricky bit

2 tsp salt 

Chop the onions and tomatoes and combine with the other ingredients in the biggest pan you have. Diameter is more important than depth as we’re going for fast evaporation. The major decision is the cayenne pepper. I think a generous measure is needed and would probably substitute chilli flakes – a good tablespoon or so. A decent amount of heat would be good and don’t forget it will calm down in the maturing. A bit of a flush to his cheeks will only serve to remind him of you anyway. 

Simmer for an hour or two until thickened and jar it up. To know a chutney is ready, draw a wooden spoon across the bottom of the pan. If you can see the metal bottom clearly for a few seconds you're done.
There are endless variations: Apple and ginger would be very welcome – but don’t sacrifice the chilli. Let this one bite back while you’re watching Christmas re-runs of Twilight, and secretly counting the days when you’ll be together again. Make as well as, not instead of the fennel and orange pickle. Turkey sandwich is boring. Turkey sandwich with East Indian spiced tomato chutney needn’t be!

If he’s posh make this version. Warning signs: He’s called Rupert or Sebastian, he lives in Holland Park and he calls his mother, Mummy. His home has a name which, when Googled, appears to be a national treasure.  Even if he only has some of these symptoms this will endear you to his parents.

1.6kg pears (9?)

400g apples (2 large?)

125 ml white vinegar

180 ml lemon juice

200g brown sugar

170g chopped raisins

160g seeded chopped dates

120g coarsely chopped walnuts

 You should have the general idea by now. Chop. Combine. Boil. Simmer for one to two hours. Jar up whilst hot.

So whether he’s hot or posh (preferably both) you will have a jar of something to please his mother and persuade her that you’re capable of looking after her son. She will love you, he already does.

Fennel & Orange Pickle for the Feast of St Stephen

I am an inveterate maker of pickles, chutneys and preserves. However I am very poor at labelling the contents, always thinking I will remember what each jar is. I rarely can. You can’t blame your prospective date for looking suspiciously at something you’ve made but cannot definitively name.

750g Fennel

568ml Distilled vinegar (odd amount but it’s the size bottle Sarson’s comes in)
1 Orange
2 Star Anise
1 tsp mustard seeds
75g Preserving sugar

½ tsp salt

First a word on the vinegar – don’t worry too much about the amount if you can’t find Sarson’s, or the exact volume. I imagine this is a 30 year old hangover from our late conversion to metric, though it does seem stingy that they didn’t add a measly 2 more ml to round it up. Anyway the other advantage of using Sarson’s is that the jar is the right size to keep these pickles in.

Trim the fennel and thickly slice it. Blanch it for a minute or so and refresh under cold water. Halve the orange and slice it and place it in the jar with the fennel.

Put the vinegar in a pan over a low heat. By the way this vinegar is distilled so it should be clear not brown. Run back to the shops if it isn’t. Add the sugar, mustard seed, salt and star anise and boil for 5 minutes.

Cool it and pour over the fennel and orange slices. Seal the jar and leave in a dark place for 1 month (though I dare say if you make it soon it will be nice enough by Boxing Day). It lives in the fridge thereafter.

This is brilliant for cutting through fatty cold meat, such as salami or corned beef. Also good with cheddar cheese. I once served up a plate of cold cuts for an Essex boy I was dating, called David. “Meats!” he said. “I like that!” Sadly he skirted around this pickle but he was definitely missing out. The relationship didn’t last…

The Greeks thought Fennel was slimming and Culpeper praised it for its aid to eyesight. I’m not as slim as I'd like to be, and I wear glasses though I’ve been making this for years. But it is delicious and it would be lovely to open a jar of something home made with cold leftovers after Christmas. It’s as crisp and refreshing as a new year’s resolution.

"When Will I Be Famous" Pork Chops

There’s something a bit early ‘90’s about this recipe. I was lost in that era. I’m a child of the ‘80’s and didn’t get the music of the time. Except Bros. I got Matt & Luke alright! 

4 boneless pork chops – not butcher-thick ones; supermarket ones

8 tbsp natural yoghurt

1 tbsp curry paste – I like Pataks. Choose your own heat

2 tbsp mango chutney – supermarket own brand will be fine

Coriander and extra to garnish

Lime wedges

Rice & salad to serve 

Bros goes on the CD player, everything except the pork goes in a shallow bowl. Mix. Wonder why Matt Goss thought that odd groaning sound was cool at the time. Wonder too why you didn’t question it then? 

Add the pork and leave in the fridge to marinate for 3-4 hours. Mellow out to one or two of the Bros tracks, Cat Among the Pigeons wasn’t that bad. 

Time to cook. Put some grown up music on and the pork in a baking tray. Cook under the grill for 8-10 mins each side. Slowly heat the marinade in a small pan – to almost but not quite boiling. 

The original recipe suggests brown rice and a salad. Basmati would be better. Once I made this and tried to substitute the rice cooking water with orange juice. It was a disaster. I was about 22 and yes, listening to Bros as I cooked it. A cardamom pod or two in the rice water will quite suffice. I wouldn’t sacrifice the salad though. 

Lime wedge garnishes please because at 22 I thought that was the ultimate in sophistication.

When will I, will I be famous? It was a serious question at the time.

Black Cows (for Justin Bieber)

My boss and a colleague are maintaining a fantasy about Justin Bieber. It’s rather different from my fantasies about him as it involves giving him (and I quote): “A roundhouse kick in his midget face”

Tut tut!

So I said my next post would be for Justin – but I know nothing about him so I was trying to think about what he might like and I came up with this. Note – not because it can be enjoyed with no teeth in case their wish ever comes true but because I loved these as a boy. We used to call them Coke Floats though I haven’t seen one sold anywhere since.

I rediscovered the recipe in an old cookbook I found in a thrift store in the States, called Socials & Soirees. There’s a chapter called “Vicksburg Coca Cola Party”. (Sponsored by whom I wonder??) I give you the recipe verbatim:

1 gallon vanilla ice cream

10 x 10 ounce bottles coca cola

Place 2 scoops ice cream in each of sixteen 10 ounce glasses. Pour cola over ice cream. Yield: 16 servings.

Simple – except  I have no idea where you get 10 ounce bottles of coca cola, or what you do with the other 14 glasses once you and Justin have had yours. I’ll leave it to you to work out the metric conversion and the scaling down.

Eggs Benedict

Let Benedict lie in while you make this. He looks angelic lying there in just a pair of pyjama bottoms. This will be a lovely surprise for when he wakes up.

6 eggs

2 English muffins

4 rashers of dry cure back bacon

180g butter

1 ½ tbs lemon juice

Champagne (it will be worth it when that look of surprise turns into a cheeky smile)

Make the Hollandaise first. It’s not that hard if you use a food processor. Warm the bowl of the processor with hot water and add 4 egg yolks (you’re not going to use the whites in this recipe) and a pinch of salt.

In a small pan melt the butter and get it hot. Start whizzing and after 30 seconds slowly pour in the butter through the funnel. It should have thickened somewhat. Add the lemon juice and a pinch of white pepper or a dash of Tabasco if you like. Peek round the bedroom door to make sure the processor didn’t wake Benedict up. Keep the Hollandaise warm – don’t chuck the butter pan in the sink just yet – you might need to reuse it to gently warm the sauce through.

Fry the bacon and cut so it will fit on a muffin.

Poach the eggs to your liking. Feel free to use a gadget to keep them a nice shape or trim them if you don’t have one. This, like Benedict, is a work of beauty. He wishes you’d call him Ben, by the way, but he’s so delightfully public school that you can’t help yourself.

Lightly toast the muffin and split it. Put one half on each plate, cut side up. Add the bacon and slide the poached egg on top. I’d let it rest on kitchen paper first as I can’t bear soggy things. Ladle a generous spoonful of Hollandaise on top. A parsley garnish wouldn’t hurt.

Benedict appears as you’re opening the Champagne. He’s wearing one of your T-shirts. His look of surprise turns into that cheeky grin you were looking forward to.  Pour the champagne, handing him a glass as if having it for breakfast was nothing out of the ordinary. Put some Haydn on the CD player and the day (not to mention Benedict) is yours for the taking.

Syrian Lamb with Feta and Yoghurt

My brother says I make this too oily, but would it taste as Syrian if it was less so? I don't know. This is really unusual and anyone you make it for will assume you picked the recipe up while you were there. If challenged, just smile enigmatically.

1 tsp mustard seeds

1 large chopped onion
4 cloves garlic
3 tsp smoked paprika
1 ½ tsp turmeric
500g minced lamb
1 largeish glass dry white wine
250g Rigatoni pasta
100g plain yoghurt – preferably not the set kind like Greek

150g Feta cheese

Add the mustard seeds to a frying pan with a little oil, until they pop. They will start jumping out of the pan. Add the onion and crushed garlic, which for some reason stops the seeds popping. When the onion is soft add in the turmeric and paprika and cook for another couple of minutes, stirring so the spices get into all the onion. I think it goes quite a cool colour. Add the lamb and brown it. If you’re my brother, attempt to drain off excess oil without losing the lamb or onion. Not so easy huh?

Add the white wine and bubble away for around 10 more minutes. The wine should be evaporated by now. It’s job is done.

Cook  the Rigatoni – I think it would look odd using any other shape of pasta, and there’s something satisfyingly large about Rigatoni - but if needs must. Just make sure you don’t have any Syrians coming for dinner. When al dente rinse under cold water quickly to wash away  excess starch.

 Assembly time. Put the pasta in a serving bowl and toss the yoghurt through. Crumble in the Feta. All the pasta should be nice and yoghurty. (Yoghurty – what a great new word!) Add the lamb and give it another quick toss. Season and serve straight away. Even though it’s lamb I think you could get away with drinking the rest of the white wine with this. 

Grumble that it’s slightly too oily.

Volcanic Mexican Chilli Sauce

This isn’t mine – it was created by the wonderful Thomasina Miers. It’s the amazingly hot yellow sauce that comes on the table at her Wahaca restaurants. It’s extremely hot so it’s for dabbing rather than spreading or smearing. It will make you cry – whether because it’s so beautiful or so hot depends on your tolerance. 

2 Tbs oil

1 onion chopped

2 cloves garlic chopped

3 carrots diced

1 tsp ground coriander

500ml water

2 (or more) Scotch bonnet chillies (choosing yellow ones would be good here)

200ml white wine vinegar

1 heaped tsp honey

1 tsp salt

½ tsp dried oregano 

Sweat the onions and carrot for a bit. Add the garlic and coriander. Pretty easy so far! Add the water when the onion is translucent. I’ve tried scaling this recipe up and always get the amount of water wrong so am sticking to making this one jar at a time for now. 

We haven’t talked about music for cooking to yet – I think something like a Requiem. I know Wagner will click with me eventually, and that might be perfect in time. But for now, a requiem: Faure, Mozart, Brahms, Verdi – up to you. Listening at high volumes will help this no end.

Carrots are tough old things so when they are soft, it’s cooked. Add the rest of the ingredients. Blend. If it’s not as thick as ketchup or mayonnaise, reduce in the pan.

Bottle it up in a sterilised jar – don’t keep for too long – this one has some kick and won’t appreciate mellowing with age. Unusually this recipe hasn’t mentioned boys as recipients – it’s a secret and personal pleasure. If you do meet a chilli-head this will intrigue him. It’s hot but has a certain depth he won’t get to the bottom of. Same as you hope he’ll think of you really.