Chinese Spare Ribs & Pig's Trotters

4 pig’s trotters

500g pork spare ribs

2 tbsp oil

5cm ginger, grated

4 plump garlic cloves, crushed

50ml dark soy sauce

10ml light soy sauce

50g brown sugar

100ml brown rice vinegar

150ml fresh pineapple juice

Salt

Pak choy

Oyster sauce

Keep the young man busy – if he sees what goes into this, there’s no way he will try it. Do not mention that pigs’ feet go into this. Pop the Guardian in front of him and get him to tell you if he comes across anything interesting.

First check that the trotters have no hair on them. If necessary shave them (seriously), using a clean disposable Bic and not his Azor razor. With a cleaver, chop them into 4, once lengthways and once crossways. Split the ribs up, if they came in one piece.

Heat the oil in a large pan and brown the trotters and ribs. Add the garlic, ginger, and some salt and fry a few more minutes. When you can really smell the garlic and ginger, add the soy sauces. For cooking, I like Pearl River brand, which comes in 500ml bottles from the local Chinese grocer. Add the sugar, vinegar and pineapple juice. By fresh pineapple juice, I’m assuming it’s too much faff to get the Juicer out. I mean the fresh juice that comes from the chilled cabinet in the supermarket, rather than the long life stuff. Pour the boy and yourself a large glassful. It’s one of your 5 a day. This will perk you up no end.

Time for some Nina Simone. Gimmee a Pigfoot would be apt, as long as he doesn’t pick up on it.

Where were we. Yes. Add a little water to the pan so the meat is covered and simmer slowly for 2 and a half hours. Winter afternoons are made for slow and gentle cooking. Stir occasionally and top up with water or pineapple juice if needed. Think of something virtuous to do for a couple of hours.

Remove the meat and set aside. Turn the heat up and reduce the liquid until it is really thick and syrupy. It needs to cling to the meat rather than run off.

While you’re doing this, get the rice cooker on for some plain boiled rice and steam the Pak Choy. When the greens are done, dress with some oyster sauce. Put it in a pretty dish.

When the meat sauce is ready, return the ribs and trotters, and heat through.

Make it explicit that picking bones up to eat them is part of this dish, as is spitting out any little bony bits from the trotters. Beer would be a good match with the casual eating style of this. Make sure he has some of the Pak Choy.

Leftovers will be amazing tomorrow. The trotters will produce a thick jelly which will coat the meat. The sight of this will horrify him. While he’s not looking, separate some meat from the bone and put it in a baguette with some grated carrot, chopped spring onion and fresh coriander for his lunch.