Pea and Ham Soup

He’s got a northern accent, and a flat hairy belly. He’s cocky and he knows what he likes. This is what he likes

2 boxes of Bachelor’s Dried Marrowfat Peas

A 6oog – 750g Ham

5 Cloves

Many litres of water

An Onion

A carrot

A celery stick

6 pepper corns

Chips for frying

Malt Vinegar

4 or 5 Bay Leaves

Fresh Thyme

2 days 

Don’t fuss too much about the size of the ham. These days it will be depressingly vacuum packed in thick plastic or in a strange hairnet type thing. Go for the one with the least amount of netting – sometimes it’s the only thing holding the ham in one piece. Soak it for a couple of hours, It probably doesn’t need it but it’s traditional and you’re in northern territory now. His name’s Matthew by the way. His Mum calls him that – he’s Matt to everyone else. He has a tattoo which you don’t approve of but it’s in a spot you feel privileged to have seen. It makes this dish worth it. 

Simmer the ham in fresh water with the onion, celery, carrot, cloves, 3 bay leaves and peppercorns. Add a whole branch of thyme if you’re feeling soppy. Don’t chop stuff up, quarter it as you’re going to fish it out later. Don’t be tempted by Christmassy thoughts and add Allspice or the like. Matt won’t say anything but there’ll be a look in his eyes that you won’t forget. 

When the ham is cooked (half hour max), peel off the rind and strain the stock. The rind goes in the bin; the ham goes in the fridge. Smack his hands if he tries to use the ham for sandwiches. 

Dried peas go in a big bowl with half the ham stock – top up with water and add another bay leaf or two. This needs over night to rehydrate. You have to decide how to keep Matt entertained. Coronation Street is only half an hour long. 

Note on the peas – these are dried Marrowfat peas not petit pois, not garden peas and not frozen Birdseye. They come in a depressingly small box which is why you need two of them. They also come with a thick tablet of bicarbonate of soda which helps them rehydrate but we are soaking these with stock and I don’t want to spoil the flavour. I save them for another use and then never find another use for them. Eventually I throw them away. 

Next day boil up the peas, adding in the other half of the stock and more water. Let it go mushy but remember it’s a soup. How thick you let it get depends on Matt’s preference .It’s really hard to tell how long this will take – depends on loads of things – how old the peas are, how long they soaked, hardness of the water, temperature of the kitchen. The box suggests 20 minutes – I bank on an hour.  Just keep it going until the peas are really soft and starting to lose structure. Add water as you need it. Ruffle Matt’s hair from time to time so he knows that he and not the cooking is centre of attention.

When the peas are finally fucking done, break up the ham – it should tear easily by hand, and add it to the pan. Acknowledge he’s a bloke by allowing a few really big bits. Heat it all through on a low heat. Serve in big bowls - Absolutely no garnish!

Somewhere along the line fry up the chips (frozen frying chips are great – oven chips are decidedly not!) and sprinkle with salt and loads of vinegar. Make Matt feel at home. It’s likely he will want to put vinegar on the pea soup as well, but that’s him. Note we’re not talking rock salt and we’re not talking organic cider vinegar!

Soup and chips is a bit of a one off but so is Matt! His Mum would serve it with bread and butter but you want him to love you. Let him have it on a tray in front of the TV and you might just keep him for life.

NYOM!